True confession: I'm smitten with Jayson Werth.

GROWING UP IS HARD TO DO

I now understand the meaning of growing up. As I stand on the brink of new beginnings, I'm learning that adult relationships are more complicated than I ever imagined. Things are never going to be as simple as the most sophomoric I-don't-like-you-let's-break-up scenario. No, now everything is built around these huge LIFE choices. And it's just a shame that oftentimes, our choices are determined by career goals. We choose to stay. We choose to go. We go where the wind (and opportunities) take us. But along the way, do we factor in the people we must leave behind? And if so, how much? I've come to the conclusion that it really doesn't matter how great of a connection is shared. Love really doesn't conquer all. None of that matters anymore if two people can't see themselves physically in the same place for the next 5 years... or even for the next 10 years... there simply is no future. It's not about thinking with your heart anymore. It's about practicalities and calculated risks.

I used to believe in fairy tale endings. As unrealistic as they seemed, I always thought I could be the exception. Now I know better; they simply don't exist.

I absolutely hate that it's waaay past my bedtime and I'm still awake. I hate that I have to be up in less than 4 hours... on a Saturday morning. I hate that I can't fall asleep because there's too much running through my mind. I hate that I never have the answers to life's questions. I hate my phone. Oh yeah, and I hate that Carlos Beltran isn't going to be playing in Sunday's game. Nobody knows how long I've waited to see him play in person. :(

I think nostalgia is sinking in right about now. I'm three days away from finishing Institute at not-so-great Long Beach State. (I used to love this place for it's Lincoln-Douglas Debate on the Grassy Knoll. Not so much anymore.) Even though my summer school kids at Henry Clay Middle School have been tremendous and touched my heart in many different ways, I can't deny that my heart still lies with my kids up at Berkeley. Care sent me pictures today from King Middle School's 8th grade graduation. It warmed my heart so much to see the kids with their bright smiling faces. *sigh* I can't even describe the feeling.

I realize that I'm just missing the Bay and everything that it stands for much more than I expected. This is too difficult...