UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL: A LEAP OF FAITH

At the risk of sounding like a new escapee from an insane asylum, I think I'm finally at a place where I'm mentally stable and almost at zen. My life still resembles a whirlwind tornado that provides little time to myself, but given all the trying moments of this week, I think I've done quite well for myself. I'm glad that I can go back to being the buttress for other people, instead of being the one in need of a prop. There's already too much misery in this world for me to get caught up in my bubble of perfection.

It also doesn't hurt that I have my own live-in shrink to help me sort out my life. How easily I forget what a tremendous confidant Miguel was for me back in high school. And though the boy has problems of his own, ones that I don't condone, he's always been there to slap some sense into me. He's dependable, trustworthy, and best of all, FREE!

All the "free" counseling has allowed for me to reflect on a lot of things... one of them being intimacy. I remember Juan once asked me, "Why are you so afraid of intimacy?" Indignantly, I shot back with, "I ain't afraid."

Now I know how wrong I was... based more on observations than past experiences (the soc major in me comes out), be it emotional or physical, the first shot at intimacy is damn scary. It makes us vulnerable. Intimacy forces us to present the other person with a gift - a gift filled with emotional attachments and the risk of letting go of any and all safety nets to catch us when we fall. It's a gift because we only do it when we finally find that special person that allows us to let go. Intimacy challenges and pushes us to emotions so deep that they take over conscious and coherent thinking. And when we do fall... we fall hard. Yet, somehow we find a way to stand up, but the time it takes to heal is indefinite. When all is said and done, we all really wanted the same thing. It's just too bad that we couldn't see things eye to eye to make it all work out in the end. It's very interesting to see the same plotline played out, but this time, with different characters. This time around, I see both sides, but I can't say that I empathize with both. If only we can all step back and see the other side, things wouldn't be so hard... they really don't have to be. Love is what holds us together, but it's also what tears us apart... 'Til then, I will wait for that all-consuming, don't-want-to-live-life-without-you love that we all somday hope to find.